


The Perfectionist

by Fondeyeslester



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Established Relationship, Happy Ending, Hurt Dan Howell, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Recovery, Self-Hatred, The Amazing Tour Is Not on Fire, Touring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-22 14:42:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17061695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fondeyeslester/pseuds/Fondeyeslester
Summary: Dan and Phil were on top of the world. With the succesful release of their book and their upcoming tour, things couldn’t be going better for the pair. But with so much attention on him, the preassure to be perfect was starting to get to Dan. And The Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire, which should’ve been the best time of their lives, almost tore them apart





	The Perfectionist

**Author's Note:**

> i'm on tumblr @fondeyeslester if you want to folow me there

Daniel James Howell had always been a perfectionist. Since he was a little boy, Dan liked to have things in order, to be in control. Dan’s room was kept symmetrical and organized, or as organized as it could be when he was living with his boyfriend, Phil. Dan expected everything to be perfect; his videos, his room, his book. But the thing that Dan cared about the most, the one thing he would never be happy with, was his looks. When Dan was about sixteen, he realized he would never be good enough in that regard.

Sixteen year-old Dan would sit during gym class listening to My Chemical Romance, watching all the other boys play football. Playing sports was one of the many things Dan considered himself to be useless at, so he would just sit there for an hour looking at other guys playing whatever sport they had to. Those boys out there in the field were strong, fit. Their muscles were toned and they had flat abdomens. They were everything Dan wanted to be, everything he wasn’t. Every time Dan had a crush on a guy, it started on the field and every time he tried to convince himself he was in love, but he really wasn’t. What Dan was really in love with was the idea of looking like them.

Eventually his obsession with being like one of those guys disappeared, but not until Phil came along. Dan admired Phil. He would watch his videos and wonder how this guy could be so honest and comfortable with who he was. Phil was weird, quirky, nice, pretty. Phil was perfect, and Dan had a thing for that. When he clicked on that first video, Dan realized that he didn’t want to be a popular jock like one of those guys from school. He wanted to be honest with himself, just like Phil was. So Dan developed an actual crush this time. He would spent hours daydreaming about this weird guy with the cool hair, wishing he could meet him, talk to him, look like him. Maybe it was fate or luck, but somehow Dan managed to get what he wanted.

The way Dan and Phil met has always been a mystery; Dan didn’t quite understand himself, but something brought them together, back in 2009 and through the course of their lives, they had created a new world, something special, something that very few people have. Graduation, twitter, skype, Hello Internet, Manchester, Phil is not on fire, university, dropping out, quarter life crisis, radio 1, London, 2012, one million subscribers, DanandPhilGAMES, the seven second challenge app and a lot of other private experiences brought Dan and Phil so close together that people couldn’t tell them apart. They loved each other deeply and couldn’t imagine a life without the other, just like Dan had wanted when he was in school. Things were moving so fast and suddenly Dan and Phil had written a book and had been rehearsing for their tour every day for months.

But rehearsals were over, and the tour was about to start. It’s not that Dan wasn’t happy about this. Fuck, this was the best thing that had ever happened to him! But he had this strange feeling… this little voice in the back of his head that kept nagging him. He had always cared a little bit too much about his audience’s opinion and knowing that so many of them would be coming to see him live, full of hopes and expectations, filled him with dread. What if he wasn’t what they wanted him to be? What if he made a mistake and ruined the show? What if they liked Phil but hated him? They would unsubscribe, he would lose everything, he’d be broke, Phil might even want to brea-

“Hey, D-slice! Have you finished packing yet?”

Dan’s thoughts were interrupted by the front door slamming shut and his boyfriend’s voice coming from downstairs. The younger boy stood up from his place on the bed and went to the lounge to meet with Phil there,

“Oh my god Phil, I’ve told you, like, a hundred times to stop calling me that, it was funny once, maybe twice, but now it’s just, just…”

“Shut up, you love it”. Dan was about to start telling Phil that he really didn’t when the older boy laid a little peck on his boyfriend’s cheek. Dan blushed, and Phil smirked, loving the power he still had over his boyfriend. Dan wanted nothing more than to wipe that smug expression off his boyfriend’s face, so this time, Dan initiated the kiss. He tried to fight for dominance at first, but he quickly gave up, letting Phil take control. For a moment, everything melted away, it was just them and their love. Dan could feel his heart beating hard in his chest, the same way it had six years before, in that train station in Manchester. The kiss was getting more heated by the minute. Phil’s mouth started to wander down Dan’s jawline, kissing and sucking everywhere he could reach. Dan’s dick was twitching under his pants, his hands were moving along Phil back and caressing the soft skin, but then he felt it. A cold hand rested on his hip, pressed against all his…fat. Dan froze. He had no idea what had happened. He only knew that, for whatever reason, Phil’s touch had made him feel dirty, disgusted with himself and now the last thing Dan wanted to do was to have sex.

“Yeah…um, I-I’m almost done,” Dan managed to croak out in between kisses.

“Huh?” Phil asked, Dan could tell he wasn’t really paying any attention to him which was, of course, very annoying.

“P-packing, you asked me if I was done packing”. Dan took a step back. He was suddenly feeling very self-conscious, as if Phil was judging his every move. He had been feeling that way a lot lately. “And I am…well no, I still have to pack my laptop and toothbrush and some stuff, but you know…I’m practically done,” Dan stammered out.

“Oh yeah, I’m almost done too, and I went to the store and bought all of the things from that list you gave me. I might’ve added some other stuff too, Shreddies to eat on the road and…” Phil carried on talking but Dan wasn’t listening any more. His mind was clouded with self-deprecating thoughts. The sensation of Phil’s hand sinking into his body fat remained there and Dan couldn’t think of anything else.

At some point Phil had stopped talking and was now just staring at him. It took a whole minute for Dan to notice.

“So that’s a yes?” Phil asked, hoping to regain Dan’s attention.

“Sorry, erm…What?” Phil laughed at Dan’s reaction and kissed him on the cheek, as if ignoring your boyfriend to think shit about yourself was the cutest thing in the entire world.

“I asked you if you wanted to order a pizza,”

“Oh yeah, sure, you do that… I’ll be right back.” Phil nodded and went to grab his phone. Dan waited a second before rushing to the bathroom. There, he studied at himself in the mirror for a long time. He looked at each part of his body separately, keeping track of everything he wanted to change. The way his thighs rubbed together, all the extra flesh on his arms, stomach and back. And his face. Dan hadn’t notice how fat his face was before, but now that he looked at it with so much attention to detail, he felt disgusted. He should’ve noticed before! Weren’t his subscribers talking about it all the time? His face was round and chubby, and Dan didn’t want that. He wanted high, prominent cheekbones like…like Phil’s.

Dan’s vision was blurred by tears. A part of him wanted to go to his boyfriend for reassurance and comfort, but he couldn’t do that. Phil would just think he was being overdramatic. Dan stayed in the bathroom for a few more minutes, taking deep breaths to calm himself down.

“Dan, the pizza is here!” Phil shouted from the lounge.

“I’ll be right down!”

Dan looked at himself in the mirror one last time before splashing his face with water and going downstairs to meet his boyfriend.

………………………………………

They were cuddling on the sofa after they had finished eating. Phil had eaten three slices of pizza. Dan only ate two, and even though he enjoyed it as much as ever, he couldn’t help but feel slightly guilty. He had just spent, like, fifteen minutes in the bathroom complaining about his looks and then eaten a pizza right after. Honestly, what am I doing? he thought, a little angry with himself.

“Are you excited for tomorrow?” Phil said suddenly. He was smiling widely and his eyes were shining. He looked so happy about the whole idea that for just an instant, Dan forgot about everything. The idea of the tour was obviously making his boyfriend extremely happy and that’s what Dan cared about the most. After a moment of staring at Phil’s bright eyes, he realized he had to actually answer his question and that’s when he came back to reality.

“Yeah, I guess. I’m, well, I’m a bit nervous, you know?”

“Really?”

“Aren’t you?”

“Not really. I’ve already accepted the fact that I’m gonna fall of the stage and there isn’t anything else I should worry about”. Dan smiled fondly at his stupid boyfriend before answering.

“I just want everything to be perfect.”

“It will be. We’ve worked very hard on it, and everyone’s excited to see it. The rehearsals have been going great and everything. There’s nothing to worry about, Dan. I’ll be with you the whole time, we’ll do it together, as a team.”

“That was the most disgustingly sappy thing someone has ever said to me, Philip. Honestly, get out!” Dan said, laughing at his boyfriend and low-key blushing at his words.

“You mean the cutest thing someone has ever said to you.”

“Whatever you say, you giant spork.” And for a moment, everything was normal. They were laughing and enjoying their time together without worrying about anything but themselves. For a second, everything was the way it was meant to be, and Dan loved that.

“How about we go to bed? We have to wake up early tomorrow”. Dan nodded once, then followed his boyfriend to their bed where they slept wrapped in each other’s arms, as they always did. In that moment, everything was perfect.

……………………………………….

It was the first meetup of the tour. It had been going on for about forty five minutes, and Dan was feeling quite uncomfortable. He knew he looked like shit in every selfie, his hand shook slightly every time he signed something, his hair was curling at the tips, and he couldn’t help noticing how their hands sank into his body fat every time he hugged someone. It was just the beginning and Dan was starting to feel like hell. It’s just the anxiety of the first show, he told himself until the words lost all meaning, it’ll get better with time. Even if he was feeling like shit, Dan tried his very best during the meetup. He was smiling and laughing with Phil and the fans; he tried to make everyone feel good and special, doing whatever pose they asked him to do and wearing all the silly things they brought. It was fun. Of course it was. But he still felt self-conscious and awkward. The fans stared at him with wide eyes and even though Dan knew they were all happy to see him, knowing and feeling are completely different. Dan felt like they were judging him.

Days passed. They travelled around the country, living what should’ve been the best time of their lives. However, for Dan it wasn’t and he was starting to feel like he couldn’t take it anymore. They had done six shows already, he still felt self-conscious during the meetups and if he had to stare at that terrible picture on the fucking tour poster one more time he was going to throw up. The nerves were just getting worse as well, not during the actual show though; he was able to relax during the show because he knew what was going to happen next, he knew it was already perfect.

…………………………

They were in the middle of nowhere, driving to the north. Phil was staring out the window, trying very hard not to get car-sick again and his boyfriend was sleeping with his head on Phil’s lap. The older boy was so happy, everything had been going so well and he was having the time of his life. He looked down at Dan affectionately and smiled. He was thinking about how great things were going for them, about how happy they were now. It really couldn’t get better that this. Phil’s happy thoughts were interrupted by his stomach complaining loudly and he realized they hadn’t eaten anything since they left the hotel about six hours ago.

“Dan?” he whispered, shaking the boy, “Dan, wake up.”

“Mmm no, ‘m tired .” Dan’s voice was raspy and low which made Phil’s heart shake a bit.

“You’ve been asleep for ages, I’m hungry!” Phil started to poke Dan on the cheek gently with one hand and to mess up his hair with other.

“No, don’t do that,” Dan said, his voice still sleepy. “Phil, stop that!” he said, sitting up. He pretended to be annoyed at Phil, but his eyes gave him away.

“Great! Now that you’re up, let’s eat something.”

“Where are we supposed to eat though? We’re in the middle of fucking nowhere!”

“I don’t know, at the first decent place we find.”

“And you woke me up to tell me that!”

“I missed you!”

“Shut up!”

“I did!”

“Whatever,” Dan said. He was actually a bit annoyed at his boyfriend for waking him up, but he didn’t stop Phil when he pulled Dan into his lap because who could refuse to give this boy a cuddle. They stayed like that for a while. Their legs didn’t quite fit on the seats, Dan’s neck was in a very awkward position so his head wouldn’t hit the car’s roof and Phil’s legs were hurting like hell, but it was worth it. Because of the tour, Dan and Phil didn’t have many moments like this and they both knew they had to appreciate them while they lasted.

To Phil’s delight, it wasn’t long before they came across a little service station and soon, they stood in front of the check-out looking at the menu. Phil had decided to go with a burger a long time ago, but Dan was still trying to choose what to order. His head was a mess, he was very hungry and wanted to go with a burger and fries really badly but that’s what had got him to where he was now. Eating in that unhealthy and disgusting way is what turned you into…that, he thought to himself. Dan eyed the menu one more time. He could feel his boyfriend staring at him, impatient. Finally, Dan settled on a small salad and after he had finished eating, Dan felt some kind of pride for controlling himself so much. It was a weird feeling, but he liked it. He wanted more of that; he needed more of that.

……………………….

Two shows later, Dan was sitting on his hotel room looking at twitter when he saw a picture someone had posted of a big milkshake and a cookie. He stared at it, analyzing it. He had to admit, it did look good. He was a bit hungry and a chocolate milkshake would be great, but Dan knew he would regret it later. He wanted to look good during the tour, right? He just sat on the bed, battling with himself for several minutes. He was about to give in to the hunger when he decided to open another tab and googled Calories in a chocolate milkshake. 163 showed up on the screen. Dan frowned. He didn’t really know if that was a lot or not. He stared at the screen for a while and decided that 163 was quite a big number, so he really shouldn’t be drinking something with so much fat in it. Food could wait for a while, he decided, before taking a nap to kill his hunger.

When Dan woke up, he saw Phil sitting on his side of the bed, looking at his phone.

“Mmm hi,” he mumbled sleepily.

“Hey, you’re awake.”

“Still tired , though.” Phil smiled fondly at his boyfriend and kissed his forehead.

“Did you talk to the venue people?” Dan asked.

“Yeah, everything’s sorted out.”

“Mmm, good.” They were in a comfortable silence for a while. Everything had been exhausting and they just needed a moment for themselves. “Come join me,” Dan said from the bed. He moved a bit to the left, allowing Phil to climb on the bed with him. They just lay there, face to face, mumbling silly things and giggling. From time to time, Dan would tickle Phil and in return, Phil would touch his neck and blow air into his ears, knowing that it drove Dan crazy. Suddenly the relaxed cuddles turned into a tickle fight. The duvet fell to the floor and their quiet giggles became loud chuckles. They were both telling the other to stop whilst still trying to attack. Somehow Dan ended up lying on top of Phil and in that exact moment, all the fun stopped. Dan felt self-conscious lying there. He was definitely crushing Phil; he was taller and bigger. Dan was fatter than Phil too and it was amazing that the older boy could still breathe properly. Dan stopped laughing immediately and he could feel the tears coming. It all happened in an instant, but for Dan, it was an eternity. He looked at his boyfriend with a panicked face and jumped from the bed, running away from Phil to lock himself in the bathroom where, once again, he broke down.

Dan’s breathing was heavy and his vision blurry. He looked at himself in the mirror and that’s when the first tear forced its way out. Why didn’t I realize how fucking overweight I am?! he thought to himself. He had been insecure about his weight for a long time, but in that moment, Dan saw himself as he never had before. He tore his gaze away from the mirror. It was too painful to see himself like that. He sat on the toilet seat, trying his best not to cry. Of course, he failed miserably, as he always did.

“Dan!” Phil said from the other side of the door, “What happened?? Are you okay??” It took everything in Dan not to snap at Phil. He wanted to answer but just couldn’t bring himself to do it. He knew that if he did, his voice would give him away. Besides, he really didn’t feel like talking at the moment. “Please Dan, open up!” He’s not going away until I answer, he thought. Trying his best not to burst into tears, Dan spoke slowly,

“I’m fine, just… I-um, give me minute.”

“But what happened? Are you sick or something?”

“No, just, I’ll be out in a minute, okay?” His voice was shaking slightly, but probably not enough for Phil to notice through the door.

“Yeah, okay,” Phil answered eventually. Dan got up from the toilet and stood in front of the mirror again. He didn’t want to look, but couldn’t take his eyes away. All he could see in front of him were imperfections. He studied himself from all angles possible. He had gained weight in the last couple of weeks; that was obvious. All his efforts had been for nothing, and a small part of him wanted to give up. However, a bigger part of him just wanted to try harder and to use this as motivation. If he lost all the weight, he could hug the fans without feeling like shit and he could be on top of Phil without crushing him. Those thoughts made him realize that Phil must be there waiting for him and after washing his face and taking deep breaths, Dan opened the door to find his boyfriend seated on the bed. Phil was looking at him intensely and Dan froze. Phil walked up to him and held his hand.

“Hey, sure you’re alright?” He eyed Dan, trying to find what was wrong with him.

“I told you I’m fine!” Dan said sharply, walking away from him and getting on the bed. Phil sighed. Dan was probably just stressed because of the tour, and he couldn’t blame him. Phil was quite stressed himself, so he decided to give Dan some space for a bit while he went on tumblr.

Neither of them said anything; the silence was awkward and they weren’t used to that. Phil kept glancing at Dan when he wasn’t looking, and Dan was trying his best not to do the same.

Two hours passed and neither boy spoke, both concentrating on their laptops. They weren’t angry at each other, slightly annoyed yeah, but not angry. That rarely happened. At some point, Dan put his laptop on the floor and closed his eyes, trying to sleep. About twenty minutes later, Phil turned the lights off and went to bed as well, thinking Dan had already dozed off. When Phil got in the bed, he realized he had been wrong. Dan opened his eyes and wordlessly moved towards Phil, resting his head on the other’s chest. Phil didn’t say anything either, and they just laid there falling asleep slowly. The tension of the past hours was still there, but they just ignored it. Maybe they didn’t want to deal with it or maybe they just loved each other too much to be apart for a whole night. Whatever it was, it kept them together, and that was enough to make the moment perfect.

………………………………

Neither of them mentioned that night’s events, but for very different reasons. In Phil’s eyes, Dan had just snapped from stress; things were crazy and Dan had always been prone to mental breakdowns. That must be it, he thought. However, for Dan, things were completely different. He was ashamed and scared Phil would question him about what had actually happened. Dan wasn’t used to lying to his boyfriend. They were usually very honest with each other, and Dan felt extremely guilty and nervous.

The day after the incident they had to do a show, and that meant doing a meetup once again. It was about to start, they were both dressed and ready and could hear people talking and screaming outside. Dan was even more self-conscious than usual. He felt heavy every time he walked, almost as if he could move the ground with every step. He was seated on a little plastic chair in their dressing room trying to calm himself while Phil was in the bathroom. In front of Dan, there was a table with a lot of food on it and he kept throwing glances at it. He had barely eaten any lunch that day; pasta wasn’t really that healthy, and even if he had wanted to eat it, he was way too nervous to be able to stomach anything. But after so many hours without food, the nerves didn’t matter any more; he was just too fucking hungry. His stomach was starting to hurt, and the bag of crisps on the table was staring him down, so Dan reached out and took the bag, debating if he should open it. He was really hungry and needed energy for the meetup and the show. He had already convinced himself that eating it wouldn’t be that bad when a loud voice inside his head started to fight back. Do you expect to get energy from that it’s gross it’ll make you even fatter fat people don’t have energy you can’t eat it. His thoughts were fast and hectic, his mind was moving a hundred miles an hour, but his body was so slow. Dan carefully placed the pack of crisps back on the table and instead took a bag of peanuts of which he only ate half. When Phil came back, he saw Dan slowly eating his peanuts while reading the nutritional information chart and the back of the pack.

“That looks interesting,” Phil said, smiling. Dan jumped a little when he heard Phil’s voice. He had the urge to hide the bag and lie about what he was doing. The boy knew there wasn’t anything actually wrong about reading food information, but he still felt as if he was doing something terribly bad.

“I was just, you know, mmm bored?” Phil raised an eyebrow, but dismissed Dan’s comment quickly. What he couldn’t dismiss was the fact that his boyfriend had been acting a bit jumpy the whole day, so Phil decided to go pull him up for a big hug. Dan was a bit shocked at first, but after just a second, he recovered and buried his head on Phil’s shoulder. They stayed like that for a minute, Phil stroked Dan’s cheek and stood on his tiptoes to kiss his head.

“You look tired.”

“Jeez thanks Phil.”

“ You know I don’t mean it like that, but you do.”

“Yeah, I know…It’s been stressful.” Phil nodded in agreement, and for a moment, Dan considered opening up to Phil, to ask for help. But then he remembered where he was and what was about to happen in about two minutes. He remembered that Phil was going through the same stress as he was and the idea died immediately. Instead he said,“you don’t look that great either.” Phil smiled and was about to answer when a security guard came into the room.

“It’s time, guys, come on.” So they went, one more meetup, and one more show.

………………………….

They spent the next two days traveling. They were going back home for a few days before heading south, and just the thought of going back to his apartment made Dan feel the calmest he had felt in weeks. It wasn’t what Dan had imagined though. In his head he had built this idea that once he got home all of his problems would go away, that the insecurities would stop, but of course he was completely wrong. Dan still flinched a little when he looked at himself in the mirror. The pre-meetup anxiety had gone away for a while though and Dan hung on to that. It was all he could do.

They were sitting in front of the TV, watching an anime and talking about spooky week and the live show they were going to do the next day. They had filmed the first spooky week video that day, and Dan was amazed by how calming filming a video was and how much going back to his regular life helped him relax. He was in control. If a shot went wrong, he could just do it again, and again…until it was perfect. At some point during the anime episode, Phil left without Dan noticing; he was too immersed in the story, as always. When Phil came back, he was holding a bowl full of microwaved popcorn and a bottle of ribena. Dan’s eyes went wide. He had read online that microwaved popcorn was among the top 10 most unhealthy foods. He couldn’t eat that! It was gross and full of fat and sugar and carbs! Phil sat next to him, putting his arm around Dan’s waist to pull him closer, then he rested the bowl on his lap for them to eat.

“What did I miss?” Phil asked.

“If I tell you then I’m gonna miss something.” Phil rolled his eyes before pausing the episode and moving back a bit to look at Dan’s face.

“You know, if you’d paused it when you went to get the popcorn in the first place then I wouldn’t have to tell you anything.”

“You were so into it though, I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“Well you did anyway, but now I have to tell you everything, you living flop.” Dan sounded exasperated but there was a fondness in his voice that only came when he was talking to Phil.

“Oh come on, it was only like five minutes or something.”

“I don’t give a shit, put it back on, Phil!”

“Daaan, tell me!” he whined and started to poke Dan’s cheek in order to annoy the younger boy.

“Ugh fine…. what was the last thing you saw?” After Phil’s answer, Dan began to tell him everything that had happened in full detail. The summary ended up becoming a half an hour rant in which Dan shared all of his thoughts and feelings about the story and the characters. His eyes were shining and his voice went up an octave every time he got overly excited. Phil commented a few times, but mostly he kept quiet, listening to Dan’s rant while eating the popcorn slowly. This happened fairly often; Dan loved to ramble about the things he was passionate about and for Phil, it was beautiful to see the the spark on his boyfriend’s eyes every time he did. So as Dan got carried away talking about a fictional universe, Phil just sat there listening carefully as he finished the whole bowl of popcorn by himself; for him that moment was perfect, and for Dan, it would’ve been if he hadn’t been struggling the whole time not to eat the popcorn with his boyfriend as he used to.

………………………………..

Four days passed, the boys were repacking their bags to go back on tour and Dan was freaking out once again. Phil was on the phone, sorting something regarding a hotel reservation while Dan was in his room deciding which clothes didn’t make him look so heavy. Dan examined himself in the mirror, poking the fat on his stomach. It had grown, he was obviously bigger. He didn’t understand why though; he had been trying to eat as healthily as possible and avoiding everything he thought would make him fat. It clearly hadn’t been enough and if he wanted progress, Dan realized, he would have to make some real changes. Dan sat down at his computer and started doing actual research on calories. He took a little notepad and wrote all the foods that were absolutely forbidden and the ones that he should just try to avoid. The list ended up being five pages long, and following it without people noticing was going to be quite a challenge. He took a deep, shaky breath and then placed the notepad carefully at the bottom of the suitcase, underneath all his clothes. He was trying to pretend it wasn’t there.

………………………………

They arrived to their destination and went to the venue to work on that night’s show immediately after, so when they got back to the room, they were both drained. Phil threw himself on the bed and his eyes immediately started to close. Dan thought he looked adorable all sleepy like that and even though he didn’t want to disturb the scene, he shook Phil’s arm.

“Hey Phil, wake up,” he whispered.

“Um-what?” Phil said, confused. His boyfriend’s reaction made Dan melt a little.

“At least take your trousers off, love,” he said.

“Needy, are we?” Phil teased.

“Oh shut up and go to sleep,” Dan answered, sighing tiredly.

“I was trying to.” After saying that, Phil started to strip out of his jeans and shirt, going to bed only wearing blue boxers. Dan did the same, but instead of getting on the bed right after, as Phil had done, he went to the small hotel bathroom, avoiding the mirror as he walked.

Just when he was about to leave the bathroom, Dan noticed it. A white scale was resting on the floor near the sink. Part of Dan was dying to do it, to weigh himself, to find out how dire the situation really was; the other part was way too scared. He hesitated before taking the scale from its place in the corner and stepping on top of it, with his eyes tightly closed. He didn’t want to look, he knew that whatever the result was, he wouldn’t be happy with it. He could tell by looking at himself in the mirror. So Dan just stood there on the scale, tears were starting to run down his face, he wanted to run, to get away from everything that was happening, to escape his thoughts. Dan just wanted to hide. But he knew that hiding wasn’t a possibility, so he took a deep, shaky breath and opened his eyes. Staring back at him was the number 79.4. Dan cried harder, harder than he had ever cried before. He couldn’t take his eyes away from the number on the scale. He had read only that the perfect weight for him was 75.7 kilos. But of course he wasn’t perfect. He was fat and ugly and disgusting, but he could change that, he had to. Three kilos isn’t even that much, I can lose that weight, he tried to tell himself. But you can’t do anything right, a darker part of his brain told him. You’re disgusting and heavy and will never be perfect. Dan believed that, but still he was willing to try. Dan stayed in the bathroom for about five more minutes, forcing himself to look at his reflection to poke and analyze his body as he had done so many times before. Tears were still rolling down his face when he got out of the bathroom to find Phil fast asleep, unaware of everything that had just happened in there , and more importantly, of everything that had just happened inside Dan’s head.

…………………………………………………

Dan couldn’t sleep that night , but it was okay. That gave him time to think. He thought about everything that was wrong with him and everything that was wrong with the world he was surrounded by. At some point, he thought about good things, like his family, his friends, and how lucky he was to be currently on a sold out tour. He thought about Phil. The thing he thought about most was his plan. Dan knew that he needed to change. That night, he just laid there, looking at the once-white hotel ceiling; pondering how the fuck he was going to do that.

When the sun came up, Dan was trapped in that weird inbetween space where he wasn’t sure if he was awake or asleep, dreams mixed with reality to form a disgusting mess inside his head that he couldn’t escape from. The haze was broken when he felt the bed move, and Phil’s comforting warmth disappear.

Dan was exhausted, the thought of abandoning his place on the bed was simply horrifying. It was chilly even inside the hotel room, and if it had been up to Dan, he would have stayed under the duvet for hours. Things weren’t up to him though, and in a few hours, the two boys were back on the road on their way to the next show.

They didn’t have to travel for long, and made it to the hotel right in time for lunch. Fucking great. After leaving their luggage on the hotel room, they went to find something to eat, Phil’s request.

They were walking down the street when they saw a big M towering over most buildings on the block.

“Look Dan, Mcdonald’s!” Phil said cheerfully. They hadn’t eaten in hours and he was starving, so just the idea of a burger was enough to make his mouth water. However, for Dan the suggestion was horrifying. Burgers were on the list of absolutely forbidden foods, especially Mcdonald’s and just the thought of eating one made him a bit sick.

“Don’t you think that’s a bit corporate? Let’s go somewhere else,” Dan said, hoping his voice wouldn’t give away his real feelings. He wanted to give the impression that his problem with Mcdonald’s was the taste of the corporate, artificial food rather than the clearly unhealthy fattening ingredients. He thought about eating there, and the image of the grease going inside his body and resting there to make him bigger started to play inside his head. The idea was simply disgusting and it made him feel sad and heavy on the inside.

For a moment, Dan forgot about the context, he forget where he was or what was happening and just allowed himself to be dragged into a spiral of self-deprecating thoughts while Phil walked next to him, oblivious to his boyfriend’s feelings, telling him that he had seen another burger place on their way to the hotel and they could go there if Dan wanted to be such an annoying hipster…

Eventually Dan and Phil found themselves in a cafe, eating sandwiches. Well, Phil ate a sandwich. Dan just forced himself to swallow a few bites and slowly destroyed the rest of the food with his hands, hoping Phil wouldn’t notice.

“I’ve been getting a lot of tweets from people asking about spooky week on the gaming channel,” Dan said when the conversation died down, trying to keep Phil distracted so he wouldn’t notice the mess on Dan’s plate.

“Yeah, me too, we should start filming when we get home in two days, or we won’t have the time to edit,” Phil answered.

“We should play five nights at freddy’s 4 again… due to last time’s results you know,” Dan smiled lightly at the memory.

“Yeah let’s do that, and I do have a couple of other games in mind.”

“Why are you saying it like that?” Dan asked when he noticed his boyfriend’s mischievous smile. This just made Phil smile more,

“Just wait, yeah?” he said, trying to sound as innocent as possible,

“What? No Phil, tell me!”

“You’ll ruin the surprise!”

“Ok I’ll wait, whatever.”

“Great, I’m really excited for spooky week. I loved doing it last year.”

“Yeah, it was fun, a lot of work though.”

“We can manage, we’ll have like a free week before the show in Brighton.”

“Oh yeah, I’d forgotten about that,” Dan said, his mood suddenly improving.

“Yeah…listen, I was thinking we could also make a baking video”. And just like that, Dan’s mood dropped again, lower than it was before. He considered rejecting the idea, but then Dan realized that he didn’t have an excuse, and Phil would just think it was weird that he’d said no. He thought about the Easter baking video they had done a few months back and a wave of rage hit him hard. Those triple chocolate nests had been filled with sugar and calories, and he had eaten so many of them. Of course you’re fat, just look at the way you eat, he told himself.

“Uh, Dan?” Phil said, breaking the boy’s train of thought.

“What?” Dan said, realizing he had been silent for too long.

“What do you think about the video thing?” And there it was again, that heavy feeling that came with the prospect of food. Dan was shaking on the inside, his whole mind was telling him he shouldn’t agree, that he was way too fat already, but Dan knew that if he said no, Phil would question him about it, and that was a risk he was not willing to take. So he decided to go against his instincts and just accept it,

“Yeah sure, let’s do it.” He hated the idea, but there wasn’t anything he could do other than accept it. He would deal with the food once it was in front of him. For now, it was better to ignore it.

…………………………………

They had four shows before going back home for their “free” week, that was actually filled with work. It was still refreshing in a way, being in their own flat allowed Dan and Phil to be way more affectionate with each other. They could cuddle and kiss whenever they wanted, and it was very refreshing. Being in their flat allowed Dan to have more time to himself as well; during the tour things were always rushed and hectic. There were a lot of times when he didn’t have control over his own time; they were always doing something, and always together. However this week, Dan had more control over himself, and Dan liked that.

For the first time in his whole life, Daniel Howell spent a day without eating, and it felt oddly empowering.

It was Wednesday. He woke up before Phil and decided to go to the office to finish the video he had been editing the night before. He was practically done when his boyfriend walked into the room wearing just boxers, glasses and his left sock.

“Hey,” the older one said while yawning.

“Oh, hi. Sleep well?”

“Yeah great, I’m kinda hungry though. Let’s eat something.”

“I already ate.” The words came out of Dan’s mouth automatically. Like an instinct, a reflex that was beyond his own control and couldn’t be stopped even if he tried.

“Oh, okay.” Phil was shocked and a tiny bit hurt. They always waited for each other in the morning to have breakfast. It was Phil’s favorite time of the day, to be honest. Of course Dan noticed Phil’s feelings immediately, and even though he felt bad, he knew the guilt from eating would be much worse.

“I’m sorry, I was really hungry when I woke up…..I’ll join you on the sofa though.” He stood up and went to the lounge to cuddle with Phil, hoping he wouldn’t notice that there wasn’t a single dirty dish in the kitchen, and everything was exactly where they had left it the night before.

While they were on the kitchen making Phil’s breakfast, Dan was freaking out. He made a mental note to be more careful the next time, Phil might’ve not noticed once, but who knew if luck would be on his side next time. It was a risk he wasn’t willing to take.

By the end of the week, Dan had become a bit of an expert on skipping meals. He couldn’t always do it of course. Sometimes he couldn’t come up with a decent excuse; other times he was just too fucking hungry and resisting was way too hard for him to handle. Everytime this happened, he felt angry and disappointed; every bite he ate was a little defeat. However, he was quite proud of himself for how much food he’d managed to avoid. It was a big accomplishment that couldn’t be take away from him. It was the last day of their free week before doing the show in Brighton when what Dan had been dreading finally came. The day they filmed the baking video.

Dan tried his best, he wanted to enjoy making the video. He allowed himself to be dragged out of Dan Howell’s insecure body to become danisnotonfire, and somehow he did it. They recorded the video in peace and it was fun and liberating to do. They sang silly songs and had a tickle war when the cookie dough was chilling, which resulted in them ending up covered in flour. It was relaxing and fun, and that was something Dan really needed. The five minutes in heaven ended when they put the cookies in the oven because that’s when Dan realized what had to happen next. It’s not that he hadn’t realized it before, it’s just that he had refused to let it sink in. However, ten minutes before the cookies were ready, there was no way around it, he was going to have to eat… a lot.

By the time they were working on the decoration, anxiety had long settled on Dan’s stomach. He was jumpy and couldn’t bring himself to be an entertainer; being just Dan was hard enough already. He decided to leave the decoration process out of the video, fearing people would notice something was wrong. He wanted to have time to calm himself down without worrying about the act he had to put out, but eventually the mask had to go back on. Dan found himself standing in front of the camera with a big cookie in his hand ready to put on the act for his fans, for Phil, and for himself; one that had to be better than the many acts he’d ever done… this one had to be perfect.

So Dan put the cookie on his mouth and moaned jokingly; it was pretty good, but he could practically feel all the butter and sugar melting on his mouth and going inside his body, making him bigger than he already was. Next to him, Phil was eating his half of the cookie and smiling.

“These are actually really good,” the older boy said, clearly happy and proud of their creation.

“Yeah, it wasn’t a flop!” Dan said, maybe a bit too excited. However, Phil didn’t question his reaction and just took another bite of the cookie. Dan realized that he should do the same, but the thought made him nauseous. His insides already felt dirty from the bite he had forced himself to swallow, and a voice inside his head was already nagging him because of all the fat he’d got into his body. He had the urge to simply go to the bathroom and throw up, but a glance at the camera and his boyfriend were enough to bury that urge deep down where no one could see it. Dan forced a smile onto his face, something he had been doing way too much lately, and made himself to take another bite. He swallowed about half before the guilt was too much and he spoke with his mouth full for all the internet to see.

“Honestly these are orgasmic, I need a private moment.” He put as much energy into the sentence as he could and then walked out of the kitchen leaving his boyfriend behind who was chuckling at what he considered to be a classic danisnotonfire joke. Dan walked away with the food still in his mouth, panicking when he heard Phil following him. He got to the lounge, his thoughts were messy and he really didn’t know what to do by that point. Phil’s footsteps were growing closer and right before he opened the door, Dan spat the food into his hand and clenched his fit, so Phil wouldn’t see it. A second later, Phil walked into the lounge as happy as ever.

“Come on Dan, you can have as many private moments as you want in like two minutes, but we need to finish the video first.” Dan stayed silent for an instant. His chest felt tight and he was making a great effort not to break into tears. The boy felt disgusting and vulnerable, and he hated feeling like that. He hated being afraid, and fear was taking over him in that moment. Dan was afraid of Phil finding out about everything that was going on inside his mind, he was afraid of losing control, and most of all, he was afraid that maybe he already had.

They stood there for an eternity, Dan’s hand felt cold and dirty because of the mixture of food and saliva that he was trying so hard to hide.

“Dan, what’s happened? Are you okay?” Phil spoke with that worried tone Dan had heard so much over the last six years, and it almost made Dan smile. He forced himself to look Phil in the eye and once again he felt the need to let go and tell Phil everything. He wanted to share his feelings with his boyfriend, to let him know all the shit he had been going through because he knew Phil always made things better, Dan also knew that if he talked to him, he would lie. Phil would tell Dan that he wasn’t fat, that he shouldn’t work as hard to lose weight because he was already perfect the way he was, and Dan was convinced he didn’t need that.

“I’m fine I guess,” he finally said, but Phil wasn’t convinced with that answer, and Dan could tell so he continued to speak. “It’s just…you know how I get…” And even though it was obvious that Phil didn’t buy the “just another existential crisis” bullshit he decided not to question Dan any further, and the younger was really thankful for that.

“Yeah, I know,” he answered, clearly frustrated with Dan, but trying not to push him for answers. Phil looked sad and disappointed, and it made Dan feel guilty in a different way. He didn’t really care about hurting himself, but hurting Phil was something completely different, something he never wanted to do. Seeing Phil in front of him with that look on his face broke Dan. Silent tears managed to escape his eyes, and he was shaking softly. “Dan please, what’s wrong?” Phil walked towards Dan and tried to pull him in for a hug. When Dan felt Phil’s pale skin touch his, he became very aware of the disgusting content of his hand, and he took a step back immediately. This, of course, just made Phil’s concern grow. Dan couldn’t think straight, the inside of his mind was a mess. He just wanted to run and hide somewhere where things wouldn’t be so overwhelming and terrifying. It was just too fucking much. “Dan…love, please try to talk to me. I swear I just want to help.” There were so many things Dan could’ve said or done in that moment, so many things he wanted to express to his boyfriend, but just didn’t have the courage. So instead Dan swallowed hard and hoped his voice would come out strong,

“I’m going to toilet.” And with that simple sentence, the boy pushed pass Phil and went to wash his hand and look at his body in the mirror. After getting out of the bathroom, Dan didn’t know which of the two activities made him feel more disgusted with himself.

…………………………………

That night, they slept in different rooms, or rather laid in different beds with tears in their eyes thinking about each other and, in Dan’s case, also hating himself, as usual.

The day after the cookie incident, they filmed the end of the video and went back on tour. Dan was dreading it. He looked at himself in the mirror before they left, and was sure that he had gained at least three kilos. His stomach looked exactly the same, fat and ugly. His thighs and cheeks were definitely bigger though, he could tell with a simple glance. The boy felt angry and frustrated. He’d been trying so hard, but his stupid body was still big and horrible. He thought about all the times he could have restrained himself a bit more but didn’t. All the times he was too afraid of Phil finding out to say no to food. He was mad, mad at himself and at Phil, mad at the millions of people that watched him everyday, judging him. Why wouldn’t they judge you? said another part of his head, you’re ugly and fat and deserve that… all of it.

The next few days were quite awkward, but by the time they were back on the road, it was as if that night’s events had vanished, and Dan and Phil fell back into their routine. It might’ve been the fact that they had to pretend everything was fine for the tour, or it might’ve been the unconditional love they had for each other. Either way, something made the two boys act as if everything was fine. Yet again, as with everything in Dan’s life, it was all an act.

…………………………………..

That second half of the tour was definitely the worse time of Dan’s life. He felt ungrateful and stupid thinking that, but it was the truth.

In Brighton, he got one of the crew members to buy a small set of scales for him and then he hid it in the bottom of his suitcase next to his note pad. And then every night he would weigh himself. The first time he was just pleased to know he had actually lost four kilos, but that was not enough. It wasn’t anywhere near enough. He was trying as hard as he could, skipping meals as often as he could, and in a few days, he considered himself to be great at creating excuses. I’m still full from breakfast, I had a sandwich while you were talking with the venue people, I got up early and went to grab something to eat etc…. Lying to Phil got easier and easier. Slowly, the guilt started to disappear, getting replaced by Dan’s strong wish to change and finally be perfect.

He did see progress. He reached his goal faster than he thought he would, and again he realized it wasn’t enough. Dan knew he didn’t look as fat anymore and for him that was just encouragement to keep going. He could do better, he was just one step away from perfection.

However Dan didn’t see what others did. Dan saw numbers on a scale, numbers that could be lower. The rest of the world saw how pale he was, they saw the bags under his eyes, and the way his hair looked thin. Fans noticed the way he seemed to run out of breath during the show, and they noticed how they could practically feel his ribs when he hugged them at a meet and greet. People on the internet were worried, but Dan rarely went on the internet anymore, too scared of the judgment he knew would be there waiting for him.

So Dan kept on going. Writing his weight every day, fighting back tears when he was forced to eat something that he knew would make the numbers higher, being awkward and even a bit rude to fans that asked if he was doing okay. In just a couple of weeks, Dan lost the weight he had wanted to get rid of for years, but for some reason, that didn’t make him as perfect as he thought it would. He had been convinced that when he reached his ideal weight, all his flaws would disappear, but even when he’d lost around five kilos more than he originally intended Dan felt like shit, nothing had changed.

His hips and thighs were still huge and his stomach was as disgusting as ever. He needed to keep going, stop eating, lose weight. It was part of his nature. He felt good with himself when the number dropped, he was proud every time he skipped a meal, it wasn’t nearly as hard for him anymore; the real difficulty was hiding it, and Dan wasn’t doing a good job even if he thought he was.

………………………………….

They had just arrived to that day’s hotel. It was around 8pm and Dan was exhausted; he always was recently. He wasn’t feeling good and Phil was being extremely clingy, watching his every move. Under Phil’s gaze, Dan was forced to eat a whole slice of pizza that day, and that alone was enough to make him feel like shit.

The first thing he did when they got to their room was lay flat on the bed. He was tired and freezing cold. Everything felt wrong. Suddenly Dan felt the bed next to him move, and when he turned around, Phil was sitting next to him, staring and frowning. They had a moment of silence before Phil managed to ask the simple question.

“Dan, are you okay?” The worried tone in Phil’s words got to Dan, he couldn’t just ignore it. Phil wouldn’t take that, it wasn’t fair. The guilt he had pushed away for weeks came flooding back. Phil didn’t deserve everything Dan was putting him through, and the younger boy knew that. Dan had to tell him. He had to tell him how he was feeling and what he’d been doing, for the sake of Phil and their relationship. Dan had made a decision, it was time to come clean.

“Well, I guess that with the tour and everything, things have been a bit overwhelming lately,” he began. Phil was now running his hand through Dan’s hair, and the younger boy allowed himself to relax for a moment; saying that simple sentence took a huge weight off Dan’s shoulders. Though it really wasn’t saying much. His boyfriend’s hand was soothing against his skin. Dan’s problems were still there but for a minute, he felt at ease.

“Yeah I know it has, it’s been hard for me too, but I’m worried about you. You’re not acting like yourself, Dan. I need to know what’s wrong…please.”

“Phil I’m….”

“Yeah?” Phil’s eye’s lit up, for a moment he believed that Dan was going to open up, to ask for help, but his hopes died quickly. Dan was panicking, he was trying to do it…but fuck, it was hard.

“Look it’s just the tour and the stress, don’t worry.”

“Come on Dan, I’m not an idiot.”

“I didn’t say that,” he said, sitting up, annoyed at Phil’s persistence. He just wanted to rest, he was tired and overwhelmed. Why did Phil have to push him like that?

“Look, I just want to help, that’s all.” Phil’s voice was controlled and stiff, as if he were trying to keep himself from screaming.

“I didn’t ask for help, did I?”

“Well, you clearly need it!” Phil half shouted.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?!” Dan’s mind was racing with thoughts. He was angry at Phil without even knowing why. Phil wasn’t even wrong. Dan needed help and he knew he did. Dan wanted the help, but taking it wasn’t easy

“Don’t you think I’ve noticed?” Dan didn’t know how to respond to that. He was paler than usual, but he went even whiter. He was already colder than normal, but he froze at Phil’s words.

“W-what?” he stuttered out.

“Dan, love, you’re sick.” Phil’s voice was much softer now, it sounded sad. Dan shook his head. He’d been aware his behavior wasn’t normal, he knew there was something wrong, but to put like that… It wasn’t fair, Dan was just trying to look nice. Why did Phil think he could insult him like that?

“I’m not,” he said, looking Phil in the eye.

“Dan… you’ve been carrying an scale around. That’s not… it’s not normal.”

“I’m not sick, okay!” He was shouting and crying now. At some point they had stood up, and now Dan felt like he might fall down at any moment.

“Fuck Dan, I’m trying to help you! Why can’t you accept that?!”

“Stop acting like you care!”

“So I’m supposed to leave you alone while you starve yourself?!”

“It’s what you’ve been doing all along, isn’t it?” Dan wasn’t crying anymore, overtaken by rage, but when he said that, his boyfriend started to cry instead. Guilt and regret were clear in his blue eyes.

“Why can’t you just accept you have a problem?!”

“Stop saying that, Phil!”

“You do!”

“Fuck you, I don’t need you to tell me that, okay? I know!”

“Dan…”

“No Phil, fuck off!” he said turning around to leave.

“Where are you going?”

“Look who suddenly gives a shit!” Dan said, slamming the door behind him.

……………………………………

Dan was walking around in a strange city, feeling lost and vulnerable. It was surprisingly sunny for that time of the year, but he was freezing cold. His bones were aching, and even though he’d only walked a few blocks, he was practically running out of breath. He wanted to cry and scream, but couldn’t. He just didn’t have the energy. He was dizzy and his vision was clouded.

Dan ended up sitting on the pavement. He wanted to go to sleep right there, but a mixture of cold and shame kept him up. He was shivering and tried to make sweater paws to keep himself warm, but when he looked down at his jumper, the boy realized it was Phil’s. He was able to cry then. It went on for hours.

Eventually, Dan got back to the hotel and took a room for himself. He saw Phil during the show the next day, and in the car the day after that. It was extremely awkward and Dan just wanted to cry. Phil kept looking at him with worried eyes but didn’t say a word.

………………………………………

It was the last week of the tour and Dan had lost six kilos. The tension between the two boys had slowly died down and been replaced with polite words and silent nods. They still slept in different rooms and Dan had never felt lonelier. He was living on apples and energy drinks, giving fake smiles for pictures and nearly fainting every time he wasn’t on stage during the show.

Phil had been sending room service to Dan’s room everyday, but it didn’t even get touched. He texted Dan every morning, and followed him with his eyes everywhere he went. However, Dan kept pushing Phil away, he was scared of how Phil might react, he was afraid and nervous and everything was so fucked up. The last week went by in a daze, and what once was TATINOF, Dan and Phil’s perfect show, was becoming their greatest torment. …………………………………

The final show was in the London Palladium. The internet was freaking out and of course, the boys were freaking out too, but for very different reasons.

They were in the dressing room, all dressed up and ready to begin when Dan started to feel faint. It wasn’t uncommon, it had happened so many times during the tour it was almost part of the routine. Water and maybe a bit of something more solid would fix it.

Except it didn’t, the show was a mess; Dan forgot lines, and messed up the choreography. It was supposed to be perfect and amazing, but it wasn’t, and Dan was starting to realize nothing could be.

The show was about to end; there was just a few minutes left. Dan’s heart was beating fast, his vision was blurry, and he was shaking enough for people at the front to notice. Every step felt heavy and every breath labored… until it was too much. His knees gave up, and Dan fell, in front of a thousand people who were watching his every move. Suddenly paramedics were on stage, and the crowd was being led out. Phil was silently crying, hating himself. Daniel Howell ruined the one thing he thought he could do perfectly.

…………………………..

Dan had been sleeping on unknown beds for months, waking up away from his home always made him feel uneasy, but the feeling that the cold hospital sheets and smell of stale alcohol gave him was beyond horrible. He had been there for three days, Phil always sitting next to him, trying not to cry. Sometimes when everyone thought he was asleep, Dan could hear the conversations between his mom, Phil and the doctors. Sometimes they talked about sending Dan to a mental facility, but despite the doctor’s arguments, Phil insisted that Dan should go back to the flat with him, where they belonged. They talked about Dan’s condition, he had gained a whole kilo in three days because of the weird tube that went through his nose to his stomach. No one said anything when they knew he was awake though, people looked at him pitifully, nurses spoke softer and slower than they normally would, and Phil’s usually firm grip was gone, as if Dan couldn’t endure his boyfriend’s strengths. It was horrible and exhausting. Dan was angry and frustrated, he was sick of being in the hospital, sick of the doctors, sick of people’s faces when they found out what happened to him, youtubers calling to ask. He didn’t want all of that. Dan wanted to fight, the problem was he didn’t know what he wanted to fight against.

He spent a long time in the hospital. It was dull and uneventful. Crying was the most exciting thing that happened, and it became so often that even that lost its magic. Dan was gaining weight fast, he could feel it every time he was hugged, and he saw it every time he looked down at his stomach. The boy didn’t know what to think. He felt ugly and dirty, he looked at the tubes on his nose with hurt and fury, wishing they could go away. Eventually they did, but were replaced with crappy hospital food, and being followed to the bathroom every time.

He was sitting on the bed waiting for Phil to come back from the flat when the nurse came in holding a tray with his breakfast. Disgusting scrambled eggs and plain toast. Dan couldn’t help but notice that the plate was bigger than the one he’d been given the day before. She put the food in front of him and stood there, waiting for him to eat. It was some sort of unspoken rule, someone had to be there every time Dan ate, though he would much rather the person was Phil. He looked at the food, and then at the nurse. The whole situation made him want to puke. The nurse just stood there waiting. He knew he had to do it if he wanted to get out of that place. He reached out for the fork and took a small bite of the food. The nurse smiled encouragingly, but it didn’t help. The eggs were plain and soggy and once they were inside his mouth, he couldn’t bring himself to swallow them. It was not about his weight. Sure, that was always in the back of his mind nagging, but that was not it. The whole situation was horrifying. The room, the nurse, the taste, the feeling of emptiness, the lack of Phil. Dan couldn’t take it, so he spat the food out and it went down his chin, making the nurse grimace a bit. He was a mess, his face covered in tears, food, and saliva. The boy was shaking and crying, not making any effort to fix the situation. Carefully, the nurse reached out to take the tray, and left the room. A few minutes later, Phil came back. Dan had calmed down, but the evidence of the incident was still there, literally stuck on his face. Phil looked at Dan with sad eyes and cleaned his boyfriend’s face with the sleeves of his jumper. The younger boy moved to the right, giving Phil some space for them to cuddle. They held each other silently. Phil could feel every single one of Dan’s ribs, but his stomach wasn’t concave anymore. Phil smiled.

“What took you so long?” Dan asked eventually. His voice small and shaky.

“I’m sorry, the taxi was late, and then traffic and… I’m sorry I wasn’t here for breakfast.”

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it. I missed you, though.”

“I missed you too. The flat is way too quiet without you.”

“I miss the flat too,” Dan said. “Fuck, Phil! I don’t want to be here anymore!”

“I know you don’t. I don’t want that either. We’ll get through this, but I need you to work with me.”

“What do you mean?”

“Dan, the doctor wants to send you to a mental facility. You know that. I want us to go home, but that won’t happen if you don’t show them you’re better.”

“Phil…”

“I know it’s hard, fuck. But I’m not asking you to just be better, or to pretend everything is perfect. I-I’m asking you to try hard enough, so they won’t send you away. Yeah?”

“Yeah. It’s just, I’m so tired and that nurse kept staring at me, and you weren’t there and it was just, just…ugh.”

“Okay, we’ll take it easy then,” Phil whispered before kissing Dan on the forehead. Dan kissed Phil back, and they both smiled, their noses touching.

“But, um Phil..?”

“Mmm?”

“Please don’t be late to breakfast again.”

“Never.”

A few hours latter a different nurse brought Dan a small sandwich. It took him more than an hour, but he finished it. Except for the crust, but that doesn’t count, he never liked it anyway.

……………….………………

Dan was there for about two months, they wouldn’t let him out until he reached his target weight. When he did, he cried, though he was not even sure why. The experience in the hospital was absolutely awful. Being followed to the bathroom, being forced to eat by the bad nurses and pitied by the good ones. Talking to his crying mom every single day. Seeing Phil sleeping on a chair next to him, and hearing him fight with his doctor every few days. Dan couldn’t take it anymore. Luckily, Phil won the fight and on December 16th 2015, Dan was allowed to go back home.

He was convinced things were going to be fine then. They were getting back to normal life and everything would be perfect again. Sadly, things never worked like that. He still had to go to the doctor and weigh himself regularly. He still saw a horribly overweight face in front of the mirror. He had to go to therapy and do Youtube videos and call his mom to tell her everything was fine. He still had to see Phil cry. It was hard. Everyday, Phil would ask Dan to eat, putting a tiny bit more on his plate every few days. Sometimes Dan didn’t eat, so he would lie. Other times he did, but then he’d cry. The first few months were a mess, they fought, they cried, they kissed. It was a slow process, but they stuck together through it. They always did.

………………………………

EPILOGUE (2 YEARS LATER)

It was hard for Dan to find a suit that he felt comfortable in. It was hard for Dan to decide what food they would eat. It was also hard to decide what font to use on the invitations, and what the colours of the roses should be. It wasn’t his fault though, Dan Howell was a perfectionist, and his wedding had to reflect that. They both worked very hard for it to be that way. He was looking at himself in the mirror, a smile on his face, when his mom came into the room to get him, it was time.

They saw each other after two nights apart and walked together, holding hands to the aisle. It was as cliché as it could be, happy tears were rolling out of everyone’s eyes, and as they walked to the end of the room Dan and Phil couldn’t stop smiling. It was a nice and simple ceremony, Dan’s vows were sweet and funny, kind of awkward at times, but it was okay, more than that. Phil’s vows made everyone speechless, he talked about everything, from Manchester, to radio one, to the book, and the tour. He talked about the year that came after that. Phil looked at Dan in the eyes and told him how he had felt back at the hospital, he told him how hard taking care of him had been. Of course Phil also said he would do it all again. He told Dan how much he loved him.

They had a nice dinner and a great party after that. Tyler got drunk and flirted with Alfie, and Phil’s mom insisted in slow dancing with Dan. At around 2 am, someone puked right outside the toilet. Somehow though, it was still great. They were happy, it’s not like everything that had happened disappeared completely, of course not. Dan’s slice of cake was rather small, but he enjoyed every bite, and that was enough, it was perfect.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fic a couple of years ago and I'm finally posting it here. This is one I hold very close to my heart and if anyone actually reads it I hope it makes you feel something :)


End file.
